


And Still We Sleep

by thisdesksetwantstofly



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Alternate Ending, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anxiety, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fix-It, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, It's Really Sweet, M/M, Poetry, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, They are gay, abusive parent mention, anderperry, but i want it to be known, but it's really obvious, it isn't explicitly stated that they are together, kind of, like he doesn't get a chance to attempt because todd stops him, like it could be interpreted as friends, neil perry deserves better, neil's mom is good!!, not really - Freeform, so i'm giving them better, this was v emotional for me to write, todd anderson deserves better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:27:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23514637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisdesksetwantstofly/pseuds/thisdesksetwantstofly
Summary: Everyone has rewritten the end of the movie, but here's my version of what could have happened, and what should have happened.
Relationships: Todd Anderson & Neil Perry, Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 8
Kudos: 97





	And Still We Sleep

**Author's Note:**

> Hey y'all!
> 
> Disclaimer: I study linguistics and psychology, so...  
> I wanted to make Todd's stutter realistic, so I will explain my intentions:  
> Todd stutters on his labial consonants (p, b, m, w, f, v) which is very common and also I think is canon compliant to the movie if I remember correctly. The stutter also increases with anxiety (which is well known). I tried not to make it too much and as accurate as possible. I don't know why I am overexplaining myself. Wait, yes I do. It's because I always do that.
> 
> ALSO! Todd's poem in this is from the movie. I did NOT write it. It was in a deleted scene (and in the book). So yeah. 
> 
> Ok bye! Much love!

He looked out of his window with a filter over his eyes. The filter wasn’t from tears. It wasn’t from anything tangible. He was looking outside through the lens of someone who was already dead. That’s how he felt. He stood there, watching the snow fall, completely resigned to his fate, and for the first time, he saw everything clearly. He was past the point of feeling sad or afraid. The cold night air pouring in through the open window did nothing to his body or his thoughts. 

He took the crown off of his head -- the crown of thorns that shielded him from the wrath of reality. The crown of thorns that made him Robin Goodfellow. That was his last defense. There was no going back.

This boy, for all of his natural wisdom and intuition, did not think how ironic this crown of thorns was, as so little attention was paid to his Catholic school teachings. He was a martyr -- that much he knew. He, like so many others, was a victim to the system, and he had to sacrifice himself so others could be free. So he could be free. He just wanted to be free.

He began to turn away, when he heard someone say his name. It was so quiet, he was almost sure he made it up, but then it came again:

“Neil!”

He knew the voice -- the small, timid voice. But here? It had to be wishful thinking.

“Neil!”

Neil’s eyes floated down, until they landed on a familiar face. “Todd?”

Todd exhaled shakily. A slight smile was on his face when Neil finally noticed him, but instantly melted away when he was able to take in the other boy’s face. “Neil, w-what’s wrong?”

Neil shook his head. “You have to leave.”

Confusion flooded Todd’s face. “Why?”

Neil was at a loss for words. He started turning away once again, letting out a barely audible “I’m sorry”.

Panic flooded the other boy. “Wait!” He paused, considering how to continue. “Come outside w-with m-me.” Neil didn’t answer. Todd took a deep breath, trying to fend off his stutter. “Please.”

“I can’t.”

“W-well, then I’m coming up to you,” he said quickly. Before the other could protest, Todd was climbing up the tree next to Neil’s window. It was almost like a fairytale, or like a story with a happy ending, that there just happened to be a tree next to his window. But these boys’ lives were NOT fairytales. Todd would be damned if Neil didn’t get a happy ending, though.

The latter was immoble by the window. He watched incredulously as his shy roommate, always hesitant about doing even the smallest thing, struggled to maneuver up the same tree Neil would use to sneak out of his parents’ house when he was a child. 

Neil hadn’t even noticed he was backing away from the window until Todd crawled into his room and he realised how far away he was. He also noticed Todd still had his Welton coat on. He hadn’t changed since the show. The only difference was his messy blond hair, now matted and wet with snow.

Todd stood by the window, playing with the sleeve of his jacket while trying to figure out where to start. He seemingly made up his mind, as he closed the open window of Neil’s now freezing room. “Hi,” he said, looking at Neil, sheepishly but also trying to hold eye contact, which was unusual for him. 

“Hi,” Neil said flatly, barely above a whisper.

The two stood in silence for a few seconds. Not so much an awkward silence, but more an expectant one. Todd waited for Neil to say something, anything. When he realised he wasn’t going to, he asked, “W-what’s going on, Neil?”

Neil wanted so badly to do what he always did and put on a happy face. He wanted to be the strong one. He wanted to pretend everything was okay. He wanted Todd to stop looking so damn scared. He waited for his instinct to be his “happy self” to kick in. He waited for his signature mask to fall in front of the pain in his eyes. He waited for Puck to take over. But none of that happened. “Todd, I have to… I can’t explain it to you. I can’t tell you. But I have to go.”

Anxiety crept up Todd’s chest. “Try. Try to explain.”

Neil laughed once, dryly, and a tear escaped its cage. “I’m trapped, Todd.”

“What do you m-mean?”

“My father is making me leave Welton. Sending me to military school.”

Todd struggled for words for a moment, panicked. “B-but he can’t do that!”

“But he can, Todd! That’s the problem! Legally, I have to do what he says.”

Todd shook his head. “No. No, he can’t do that.”

“He’s sending me to military school, then to medical school, then I’m going to be a doctor. He has my whole life planned out for me. I’d rather be dead, Todd.” He looked to his roommate, teary-eyed, and softly repeated, “I’d rather be dead.”

Hearing Neil say those words, seeing the hurt scribbled on his face, he was sure his heart was breaking. “W-w-well, that’s not an option, Neil.”

“Todd,” Neil started, sitting on his bed, “It’s the only option.”

Todd closed the space between them, kneeling in front of his friend. “No, it’s not! This isn’t p-p-permanent! W-w-w-we’ll f-f-figure this out!” Todd internally cursed at his inability to rein in his incessant stutter at such a critical moment.

Neil noticed his stutter worsening as well, and knew it was because of him. He hated himself for putting Todd through this. “I can’t do this anymore. I’m so tired.”

Suddenly, Todd couldn’t hold his thoughts in any longer. He had to express everything. He had to say what was on his mind. He had to stop Neil’s thoughts from going further. “Neil, I know you. I saw you on stage tonight and I realised that I get to see that p-person everyday and I am so lucky. B-b-because I see you trying so hard to act the way people around you w-want you to, but you don’t realise that the people around you love you so much, just be- because you- you’re Neil! Because you’re Neil! And I know your dad is awful and abusive, but you can’t give into that. And I saw you tonight, I saw that you w-were so alive, and you were so happy! You smiled and the whole audience smiled with you! I know you’re tired, I f-f-feel that way, too, but you love life, Neil! You love life, and you taught m-me how to love it, too! And I can’t love life without you. If you w-were gone, life would be p-pointless. You saved me, Neil. You have to let m-me show you that. You have to get a chance to live those dozens of lives you told me about. Remember?”

Neil had never heard Todd say so much at once. Todd didn’t even think he ever had said so much at once. He was in awe. He was always in awe of Todd, but this was new. “Yeah. I remember.”

“So let me help you live them. P-please.” 

“I don’t know, Todd…”

“You taught m-me that loneliness is temporary. Now I’m telling you the same thing.”

Neil suddenly threw himself into Todd, and finally broke down. He cried in a way he hadn’t let himself in years.

Todd held on to Neil tightly, never wanting to let go. 

They sat there, both crying and holding each other, for a while. Then Neil finally spoke. “What can I do, though?”

“I actually thought about this on the w-way here. Talk to your m-mom.”

Neil sat up. “My mom?”

“You can’t tell your dad how you f-feel, but your m-mom would w-want to know. You’ve told me about her b-before. She loves you so m-much. I really think if you tell her everything, she m-might see reason.”

Neil thought for a moment. “I didn’t think of that. You’re right. That might actually give me a chance.” They looked at each other for several seconds. “Thank you.”

Todd smiled both warmly and shyly. “I was going to read my p-poem to everyone tonight. In honour of you. The one I w-w-wouldn’t let you read? You remember?”

Neil nodded. “I remember.”

“W-well… I- I’m going to read it to you now.”

The other waited, curious.

Todd took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

~We are dreaming of tomorrow, and tomorrow isn’t coming;  
We are dreaming of a glory that we don’t really want.  
We are dreaming of a new day when a new day’s here already.  
We are running from the battle when it’s one that must be fought.

And still we sleep.

We are listening for the calling but never really heeding,  
Hoping for the future when the future’s only plans.  
Dreaming of the wisdom that we are dodging daily,  
Praying for salvation when salvation’s in our hands.

And still we sleep.

And still we sleep.  
And still we pray.  
And still we fear.

And still we sleep.~

Todd chuckled, realising he had recited his whole poem without a single stutter. He turned his head to gage Neil’s reaction, and was met with the same face he saw after Keating had pulled a poem out of him in front of their English class. It was a little bit sadder, a little bit more tired, but the same look of pure adoration. “W-w-well?”

“I love you,” Neil breathed out, without a thought. He had nothing to lose.

A smile spread itself across Todd’s face. “I love you, too.” 

Neil was still crying, but his face looked decidedly less sad and decidedly more relieved and oozing with admiration for this boy in front of him.

Todd rested his forehead against Neil’s before moving to hug him as tightly as possible. “Please don’t leave me.”

Neil smiled into the boy’s shoulders. “Never.”

**Author's Note:**

> Whatever situation you are in, you are not trapped. You're not. None of this is permanent. Everything is a lot right now -- we're stuck at home constantly which fucks with mental health for SO many reasons. It varies from person to person, but the point is we're all struggling. AND, it WILL pass. Whatever your stressor is, whatever your mind is telling you, you need to keep going. You are so fucking strong. You are capable of much more than you can even fathom! YOU ARE VALID. I love you so much. It will be okay. Please keep going, and never be afraid to ask for help.
> 
> "Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary."
> 
> My tumblr is carryonwaywardhijo if you ever want to talk <3


End file.
